My Journey…..

Well I now take anti-anxiety medication three times a day, along with anti-depressants (two kinds) and I take a sleeping pill at night, otherwise I just lay there stressing and getting myself so wound up I make myself feel and sometimes be sick. Its not fun.

I have a lot of noise in my head, all talking at cross purposes and sometimes feeding my fears. I also have a big black dog – I am pretty sure he is a Newfoundland and a Siamese cat who is indigent and looks down his nose at all this “stuff”in my head. LOL bet that really makes me sound crazy saying I have two talking animals in my head! I think I devised them to try and have some sort of control of all the noise in my head. It was also most likely inspired from I had a black Dog book about depression by Matthew Johnstone. Just as an aside this book is awesome and for me it really helped me see that some of the things I was feeling weren’t just me, that they are felt by other people to. I have it sitting on my coffee table so that I can look through it whenever I need to so that I can remind myself I am not the only person in the world struggling like this.

I am scared of being home alone, I am scared of going out, I am not sure I like to have visitors, its all a vicious cycle, but if left to my own devices I would shut myself in my room and go to bed and just try to pretend the world outside didn’t exist. So I do try to get out even for twenty minutes a day, because that means I have to get dressed and do my hair etc. Even if all I do is drive down to the beach to see what the surf is looking like, at least I have made it out. I don’t really want to go anywhere that I will have to get out of the car or talk to people. Although I have started making fortnightly visits to the library and will talk to one of the librarians there, but no one else.

I feel so embarrassed that I won’t talk to people or go out. I haven’t gotten to know any of the parents at my childrens day care, and if I do go collect them I dread being talked to, because I just freeze and my heart starts pounding and all this stuff is racing around me head, my palms are sweaty. It is hideous.

I want to know when is this going to be over, do I have to walk this journey alone!??!?!