Its just so overwhelming….
I am still feeling so overwhelmed and am so lost at the moment, am really in the deep recesses of my black hole that I just can’t find a way out of this.
I feel so lost and I feel like this is never going to end. Its been the better part of 15 mths now and whilst objectively some things have improved, I am far, far, far from being me.
I don’t even think I know who me is any more. I am a wife and a mother but what else am I? Who is Paula?
Am I to be forever or at least for the next few years be defined as just that?? Or am I just seeing life through my dark tinged eyes?
Being a mother is just awesome, its amazing and watching your children change and develop, learn and grow is just mind blowing. They learn so fast and that period of time when they are really little and need Mummy for pretty much everything goes so fast, far to fast if you ask me. Dwight is 16mths old now and he is walking and thinks he is Mr Independent with feeding himself and trying to get things he wants, it only seems like yesterday that he was my beautiful tiny boy who had brought us such joy after being in hospital for so long and having been so ill. Seeing him is what made it all so worthwhile.
Dwight a few minutes old
Whilst I am struggling with three children I am still very much sad and mourning the loss that we can’t have a fourth child like we planned. Logically I can understand why we can’t do that and why my tubes were tied, but emotionally I think there is a lot of grief there over that and also if I am being honest with myself the loss of the boys.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its just all a bit bleak here at the moment.