My Journey…..

Wow it has been over a month since I last posted, I don’t know where that time has gone, have been stuck in my black hole and time just doesn’t seem to matter at the moment.

I have had a couple of bright spots, my BFF was here for a couple of days two weeks ago and that was sooooo awesome. We chatted heaps and there was also that comfortable silence which was really nice. Then last weekend we saw hubby’s Mum and we haven’t seen her since Dwight was two weeks old, so a long time ago, we were still down in the South Island then. It was lovely to see her, and the girls got a real kick out of going out for dinner on Mothers Day with Two Grandma’s and Nana Dot (their Great Grandmother – my Nana)

I had a specialist appt for my leg yesterday and wahoooooo only two more weeks of the moon boot! Have had the angle changed to zero and the heal rise taken out. It feels so strange walking with nearly a flat foot after 4 mths of my foot being on an angle to help the archillies to heal itself. Doc said that I need to look at this like an 18mth possibly a little more injury, that it will still be 9odd months before I can run, jump, ski, play tennis etc, before the tendon is strong enough, at the moment it is still fragile and could very easily re-snap and we don’t want that.

We are off to Akld next Thursday for the Stair Climb, I am a bundle of emotions over it, but am trying really hard not to think about it because it makes me feel ill.

The rest of the time I am feeling pretty low, very anxious about going out, also about being by myself or being with the children. I have Dwight home all day by myself tomorrow and the girls for only part of the day as they are off on an adventure with Grandma and Nana Dot that they are really looking forward to. I am scared to death that I won’t be able to cope with Dwight by myself or that I will get so upset I am unable to move and do things.

I am feeling so alone, and lonely, yet again I ask – am I the only person in the world like this. Why is PND so hidden? What can I do? What should I be doing?

I want to get a kitten, mostly for the companionship during the day when I am home alone and maybe I won’t feel so scared if I have some company?? Hubby keeps telling me that there is nothing to be scared of in the house and I guess part of me recognises that on some level, but its very much a lone voice in my head.

My physio is coming over this afternoon, she doesn’t usually work on a Tue but couldn’t fit me in yesterday and we try for appts twice a week. I am full and dread and anxiety at the thought of her coming. I keep looking at the clock, counting down, stewing, waiting for her arrival. I don’t want her to come, but then again I hate having to go out to her clinic either. As a person the physio is really, really lovely, so it is nothing personal, its just the thought of having to interact with someone. It is hard enough at the moment to interact with hubby and I love him and adore him more than anything. He is my rock, my hero, my reason for being, for keeping on trying.

Today I am sad, I feel lost, isolated and alone.