Another month has zoomed by….
Wow, another month has raced past with me hardly noticing at all.
I feel like I am kind of trapped in this weird arse groundhog day with the occasional extra event or two added in.
Well a week today my baby Alissa will be turning four and boy that time has gone by quickly, and of course I will also turn another year older, but we don’t need to talk about that now do we! Alissa is having a party with some of her friends on Sunday morning, then we are having a party with the Grandparent’s, Aunts and Uncles etc that afternoon, so its going to be a very long and exciting day for her. She is soooo looking forward to it, once can’t help but get excited for her. She isn’t being particularly helpful with what she would like for her birthday. I am thinking we might get her a eukalaly and learn to play it with her. Hopefully my ability to read sheet music is still there!
We had Aliyah at the Paediatrician today, and given he is Dr number four and we are no closer to an answer he has decided to start with some of the less invasive tests. So I get to collect stool samples this week and deliver them as quickly as possible to the lab. He is also ordering an ultra sound for her, because from what he can feel he thinks she has a significantly enlarged liver. I am presently trying to resist the urge to see what Mr Google has to say about it.
Dwight is good, growing sooo fast and is such a little boy, loves banging on things to make noise, loves cars and trucks and even makes brrrrmm brrrrmmm noises to go with them. He adores his two big sisters and they are very protective of him as well. Its really quite lovely seeing the three of them together. They are a very tight knit group, always looking out for one another, usually with Alissa in the lead.
So on to me, well what can I say, I have tried not to be worried, but since the MRI showed the brain tumour I have been fretting about it a lot, I was told I would have an appt with the neurosurgeon within 6 weeks, today is the 5 week mark, so I will start phoning and hounding outpatients tomorrow to see what is going on.
PND is still keeping up the good fight and not realising its strangle hold. Between my leg still not being healed and the tumour the PND has lots of fuel to add to the fire. When I try and sit back and take a look from the outside or even sidelines, I only see what have been seeing for these past months and that is my gigantic black pit.
Yesterday Matt got the prams out so we could wash them and get them ready to sell. I have sold the Phill and Ted’s one already, so that just leaves the bertini. Then the rest of the baby stuff. It breaks my heart to be selling it, because we (Matt and I) had planned on having four children (not including the boys) and we have had that taken away from us. To say I feel bitter and hurt and all those good things would be an utter understatement. Oh and angry, very, very angry. We now have to wonder if the reason I was so sick with Dwight was because of the gall bladder and if we had been blessed with another pregnancy if I would have been fine.
“What if’s” – are not something I should be holding on to but I am. Every time I see brand new babies, or woman who are heavily pregnant I get that heart drop in to your stomach kind of feeling. I am so happy for my friends who are having or have recently had babies. But at the same time I wish it was me. I know pregnancy and I didn’t see eye to eye but in the long run we managed to muddle through things.
We talk about possibly fostering or adopting, but I really need to be making more progress with my PND and not be in such a vulnerable place. I have moments when I think, yep I can get out of this hole, but then the rest of the time I feel so utterly lost and trapped in it and have no idea of even where to start to get out without digging myself another hole.
Just got to keep going for Matt and the kids, that is all I can do, and try to keep pretending I am holding it all together – the “fake it till you make it” scenario I guess!